He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
