Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
