you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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