Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
