new low.... made out with someone while peeing
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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