one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
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You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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