I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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