just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
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Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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