Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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