he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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