Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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