dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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