I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
