i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
