my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
