I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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