During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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