I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
