I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
