Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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