If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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