even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
