yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
