I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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