i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
