My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
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Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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