If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
