it hurts more in the daytime
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
