im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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