i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
