I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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