the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
