Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
ok first of all what the fuck
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
