i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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