just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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