i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
where are my eyebrows?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
