If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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