Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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