you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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