it wasn't lemon gatorade
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
