1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
