It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
