I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Randomize
