In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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