I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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