Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
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You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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