Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
