He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
