Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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