By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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