Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
