Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
