dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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