She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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