I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
