I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
