drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
