he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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