I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
