those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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